


Bakery AU

by using_this_name



Series: Crackity Crack [59]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Supernatural, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: A lot of Hanky Codes, Alternate Universe - Bakery, Alternate Universe - Porn, Baked Goods Hanky Code, Book Club, Car Hanky Code, Crack, Drabble, Humor, JUST, M/M, Mechanic Dean Winchester, Or at least a lot of people seem to think that, Professor Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-31
Updated: 2013-08-31
Packaged: 2017-12-25 04:58:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/948896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/using_this_name/pseuds/using_this_name
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All the great AU tropes in one go:  Sam is a professor, Dean is a mechanic, and the angels own a bakery.  This is the story of how they met.  Also, kinky sex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [IShipSabrielAndDestielSoHard](https://archiveofourown.org/users/IShipSabrielAndDestielSoHard/gifts).



**Gabriel:**  Hello, Professor. I hear you’re offering some  _extra_  credit? If we want to _improve_  our  _performance_?

**Sam:**  Um. No. Why are you talking like that?

**Gabriel:**  But,  _S_ _ir_. I  _really_  need a good grade. I’m willing to do  _anything_  you ask. _Anything_  at  _all_.

**Sam:**  Are you even in my class?

**Gabriel:**  … Not in the literal sense.  _But_  I am a  _very_  fast  _learner_. Or do you want me to _come_  back another  _time?_  I am  _quite flexible_.

**Sam:**  Right. I think you might be confusing me with my colleague Garth. He is a porn star who pretends to be a professor. I am an actual professor. You want Room 69. Down the hall, to the left.

**Gabriel:**  Oh, sorry. Still, you are pretty hot. Can I get your number? 

**Sam:**  No.

**Gabriel:**  I own a bakery. We make pie.

**Sam:**  Still no. Wrong Winchester.

**Gabriel:**  I know a guy who can get you a signed first edition copy of  _The Hobbit_.

**Sam:**  I’m listening.

*that night*

**Dean:**  *talking on the phone* So, Sammy, I’m pretty sure this bakery is a front for some kind of kinky sex operation.

**Sam:**  I wouldn’t be surprised. But the guy said he had the best pie this side of the Mississippi.

**Dean:**  It’s called ‘Angel Buns’ dude. I don’t think there’s pie.

**Sam:**  He probably thought the name was funny.

**Dean:**  There’s a subtitle: ‘We Whip ‘em Into Shape.’ I think there’s a very good chance this is a porn bakery.

**Sam:**  Well, could you just go in and check it out? For  _me?_

**Dean:**  Are you kidding me?!? I’m checking it out for  _me!_  You said your guy was short and adorably toppy?

**Sam:**  Yup.

**Dean:**  Cool. Then I’m totally gonna hit on the other guy behind the counter. He looks like the bottomiest bottom ever to bottom. A pretty kinky one, at that. He’s just putting out some cinnamon twists, and if that isn’t some sort of code for bondage play, I don’t know what is.

**Sam:**  … Good luck?

*About two minutes later*

**Dean:**  *again calling Sam* So, good news for you. It is apparently not a kinky German dungeon bakery.

**Sam:**  Oh?

**Dean:**  Yeah, your dude’s pie is quite tasty. He also has a very good arm.

**Sam:**  What?

**Dean:**  He threw a blueberry pie at me after I propositioned his ‘poor innocent little brother’ for some perfectly normal bondage-type games.

**Sam:**  …

**Dean:**  But I think it was definitely a win anyway. The hot bottomy dude slipped me his number with a very cute illustration that makes me think the ‘poor innocent’ thing is an act.

**Sam:**  …

**Dean:**  And those cinnamon twists were definitely a code. A sexy, sexy code.

**Sam:**  …

**Dean:**  Sam?

**Sam:**  …

**Dean:**  Sam? Sam! You hung up, didn’t you?


	2. Chapter 2

*a few days later*

 **Cas:**  Dean?

 **Dean:**  *Sliding seductively from under a car with grease stains in all the right places. Shirtless.* Can I help you?

 **Cas:**  Yeah. You said I could come here if I needed an oil change?

 **Dean:**  Of course. We here at  _Grease and Go_  give the best oil changes in town. Where would you like to be oiled up?

 **Cas:**  What? I want you to change the oil. In my car.

 **Dean:**  Oh. Okay. You want the whole realistic experience thing? Ahem. *in a low voice* Let me just take a look under your hood…

 **Cas:**  That’s not my car? My car is over… 

 **Dean:**  Oh. So sorry. Let me just look under you hood…

 **Cas:**  The oil is on the other side.

 **Dean:**  I KNEW THAT. Geez, you are gonna be a bossy little bottom, aren’t you?

 **Cas:**  I just want an oil change…

 **Dean:**  I can do that in a minute when Benny gets here with the lube. For now, would you like a complementary car wash? I can get it all slick and soapy for you…

 **Cas:**  What is going on here? Wait. Why are you taking your pants off? You do not need to take your pants off to…

 **Dean:**  Ah. You want it fast and rough, do you?

 **Cas:**  Fast would be good. But I would also like it to be a good oil change. And my car cannot take much roughness. It is quite beat up already.

 **Dean:**  I don’t understand. Is that some sort of innuendo? What is your car in this metaphor?

 **Cas:**  MY CAR IS NOT A METAPHOR. IT JUST NEEDS AN OIL CHANGE.

…

 **Dean:**  Let me just get this straight: you came here to get work done on your car?

 **Cas:**  This is a garage, is it not?

 **Dean:**  Um. I guess. But, I mean, we have a neon orange sign that says  _Grease and Go_.

 **Cas:**  I know! And from the sign, I assumed this would not take very long!

 **Dean:**  Underneath the sign it says _We’ll Jack You Up and Get You Off in No Time_. I think it’s fairly clear we didn’t mean your tires…

 **Cas:**  Are you saying that this is a kinky sex garage?

 **Dean:**  Yes. Yes I am.

 **Cas:**  Hmm. Well, I was going to work up to asking you out while you changed my oil. But I do not really need an oil change anyway. And I obviously do not need to wait until you get off. So…

 **Dean:**  Yeah! Sounds good. What sort of scenario are you looking for? I’ve got Reverse Camaro and Double Porche-tration out here, and Congress of the Kia is set up around back…

 **Cas:**  Actually, I saw an Impala as I came in. Is there any way…?

 **Dean:**  You may be my soul mate. Yes. We can. Do you want leather, rope or latex with that?


	3. Chapter 3

**Gabriel:**  *entering the bakery* Hey guys. Have you seen Sam?

 **Dean:**  Yeah. He’s out back perfecting that model of the throne of Gondor? Says he’ll be done in ten minutes. Something about the structural integrity not being up to the rage of Mithrandir?

 **Gabriel:**  Ah. Then I’ll wait with you. What are you guys up to?

 **Dean:**  You know how the  _Grease and Go_  has gotten super popular since Cas started working there part time?

 **Gabriel:**  Yup. That’s cause his ass is— 

 **Cas:**  Quite.

 **Dean:**  Anyway, we were thinking of expanding. Make this a real sex torture bakery instead of just a weirdly sexual place to buy baked goods. 

 **Gabriel:**  Oh cool! As long as I can still make my pies.

 **Dean:**  Duh! That’s like, an important part of the sex. Plus, we’re coming up with a baked goods hanky code thing. See?

 **Cas:**  *Showing Gabriel a menu* You order the type of pie or pastry you want, and that tells us what kind of experience you want.

 **Dean:**  Right. So if you order cherry pie, that means you want a virgin.

 **Gabriel:**  Do we even know any virgins?

 **Dean:**  No. But Cas does a very convincing act. Show him, Cas.

 **Cas:**  *in a high pitched voice* Oh! Sir! I don’t think that could possibly fit in my— 

 **Gabriel:**  Quite.

 **Dean:**  Yeah. So, lemon meringue pie is hardcore porn, obviously, while key lime is more ‘over the pants, no I promise it’s not real porn, just a little kissing and maybe a fade to black, please don’t kick me off ff.net’.

 **Gabriel:**  That was disturbingly specific.  And what about the pastries?

 **Dean:**  Well, that’s what we’re working on now. The crullers are gonna be various kinds of penetration, the sprinkled donuts are different clothing kinks, the Boston Cremes are, well, yeah. Muffins are different types of lesbian experiences. I’m just not sure about the scones and croissants, really.

 **Gabriel:**  Well, I’d love to help but I have some reading to catch up on.

 **Cas:**   _Return of the King_? Didn’t you start  _Two Towers_  just the other day?

 **Gabriel:**  Yeah. I dunno. Sam has been really good about getting me into them. We have these great discussions that help me understand the characters a lot better, you know? He has some amazing insights.

 **Dean:**  Yeah, he’s a huge nerd.

 **Gabriel:**  Yeah! He gives me these great things to think about while I’m reading a chapter, then we talk about it after.

 **Dean:**  What’s the topic today?

 **Gabriel:**  Gandalf as a surrogate father figure for the other characters, and how that shapes their decisions. This chapter has a great scene where Denethor accuses Faramir of wanting Gandalf’s approval more than his own father’s, but I think it’s more that his father will never approve, so Faramir is looking for anyone who will, and if Denethor ever actually approved of him at all, he would totally go back to— 

 **Dean:**  Okay, all this nerd talk is making me break out. How about we go back to pastries? What do you want to put on the bondage tarts?

 **Sam:**  *yelling from the other room* GABE! I’M READY IF YOU ARE!

 **Gabriel:**  Well, that’s my cue to go. *takes out a long white wig and beard and pulls them on* ALRIGHT FARAMIR! READY TO WORK ON THOSE DADDY ISSUES? *runs off unzipping his pants*

 **Dean:**  So when he said they talked about….

 **Cas:**  Yeah.

…

 **Dean:**  Huh. Wanna read Harry Potter with me? You’ve got kinda messy black hair, and I could totally pull off bratty blond. Plus, Draco is such a top. He could top the shit out of Harry.

 **Sam:**  *from other room* HOW’S THAT DENIAL GOING, DEAN?

 **Dean:**  AT LEAST I DON’T HAVE FANTASIES ABOUT A DUDE WHO’S THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLD!

 **Cas:**  About that…

 **Sam:**  IT’S SCHOLARLY INTEREST, JERK.

 **Dean:**  IT’S SKEEVY, BITCH!

 **Cas:**  …never mind.  I’ll tell you later.

…

 **Cas:**  So, what are the ginger snaps? Figging?

**Author's Note:**

> If you want updates as they happen, follow me on tumblr, where I am going by using-this-name (with dashes instead of underscores).
> 
> I would also LOVE any prompts that you would like to send me on tumblr. Any pairing, or any trope!


End file.
